- Focus of Attention
There are many places you can focus your attention during sex. A woman may facilitate orgasm by paying attention to her physical sensations and pleasure, focusing on her partner’s pleasure, feeling and thinking how much she loves her partner, engaging in a fantasy, detaching from thinking about anything, thinking or imagining that she might become pregnant, and more.
- Paying attention to physical sensations. * I totally focused on the sensations and touched myself with my partner in me; * I focus on my physical pleasure; * I concentrate on how I feel stimulation-wise, not emotionally. I think it is psychological. If you know you can have one and don’t worry about it and just feel, it happens.
- Focusing attention on a particular idea or image. * I remember that I have a limited amount of time left to live and that I want to live it fully; * I think about the act itself; * I focus on my breathing or my mantra; * I thought of and spiritually agreed to “give it up”, to meld, become one with the spirit. During sex I feel propelled into an “otherworldly” experience or state – alone and with him; * Sometimes I really watch what’s going on.
- Focusing on orgasm itself. * I focus on the clock chiming, set a goal – orgasm before the clock strikes; * I told myself I was capable and deserving of an orgasm; * Sometimes I tell my body to start having an orgasm and it works.
- Focusing attention on an image of your partner. * I engaged in fantasy about his pleasure; * I thought how much my partner loved me; * I noticed and appreciated how gorgeous and sensuous she is; * I manually stimulated my own clitoris during rear-entry position with my partner and I fantasized my partner saying erotic and/or loving things to me; * I touched and caressed my partner’s body, watched my partner’s body movement; I thought how intense or close my partner and I are.
- Fantasized being with someone else. * I fantasized about another partner; * I thought of other people; * I fantasized about a more satisfying partner.
- Fantasies and images with a variety of other themes. * I pretend I’m with someone else, e.g., a prostitute; * I fantasized that I was the male with another woman; * I fantasized we are married; * I remembered previously satisfying sex, used “sexy” language in my mind – not fantasies, but images – like the Amazon River; * I visualize male ejaculation; * I imagined my clitoris was a penis; * I speak to myself sometimes using swear words like “fucking”.
- Detaching from thinking about anything. * I don’t worry about having an orgasm; I just have fun; * I deliberately stop thinking about distracting things, like work, etc; * I let go and floated; * I lay still and close my eyes to close out other distractions; * I get into total quiet and rhythmic sensational movement.
- Focusing on and accepting whatever feelings are taking place. Emotional responses – even anger and frustration – can facilitate orgasm: * I stimulate myself sometimes due to longing for male companionship, relationship and sex. Sometimes in my loneliness and frustration I feel angry and I notice that I’m more easily aroused when I’m angry. This happens when I’m with a sex partner, too; say he’s been stimulating my clitoris with his finger and he can’t seem to either find the right spot or stay in the right spot once he’s gotten to it, and I’ve almost reached orgasm once or twice; I become impatient and angry with him and/or myself and that sudden surge of anger produces a surge of increased stimulation, sometimes bringing me to the longed-for orgasm.
- Imaging becoming pregnant. One very specific image is a woman’s thought or image that she might become pregnant. Although this image of fertility in-the-sexual-moment was the least marked facilitator of orgasm, it still was circled by women in age from nineteen to eighty-four, about one in ten of all the women who completed the Survey. A woman who had come to the end of her childbearing years wrote: “I used to imagine often that I might become pregnant,” and a younger woman said: “I thought of this a couple of times in the last two months.” This choice, on the other hand, definitely generated some strong reactions from those who did not facilitate orgasm by imaging that they might become pregnant. * Good grief No!; * That would end the fun! * Surest way to prevent orgasm!! Eek!
- Shift Your Attention from Performance to Pleasure,Sometimes right in the middle of having sex your attention may shift to How am I doing? Am I going to make it? When that happens, you might consciously turn – or return – your attention to one of the images suggested here or to the questions: Am I enjoying what’s happening right this moment? If the answer is Yes, continue to pay attention to the pleasure you are feeling. If the answer is No, then consider What do I need to change – or ask my partner to change – so I can enjoy this? Or, do I want to stop?
Physical Stimulation and Various Techniques .
- Various specific kinds of stimulation that helped them to reach orgasm during sex with a partner were described by women of all ages: * Manual stimulation from my partner; * Cunnilingus; * Clitoral stimulation – always; * I touched my nipples or his or other erotic areas: neck, inner thigh, hot tease spots, etc.; * Touched breasts; * Mutual body massage; * I imagine entering her while giving oral stimulation; * We used videos, massage oil, oral stimulation; * I kissed my partner; * I held my partner as closely as I could.
- Stimulating myself during sex with a partner can enhance pleasure and is one way to get the clitoral stimulation that many women find necessary in order to reach orgasm: * Self-stimulation during intercourse results in stronger orgasms; * Essentially I wasn’t orgasmic with a partner until I learned to feel comfortable using my own hand; * I masturbated to finish; * I stimulated my clitoris or nipple; * I stimulated myself with both my partner’s hand and my hand together; * I masturbated during oral sex (which my partner approved of); * I masturbate while he is inside me.
- Using a vibrator or sex toys in their partnered sex was mentioned by women of all ages: * We used a vibrator; * . . .a vibrator during intercourse; * I can only have a full-blown orgasm using a vibrator; * . . .a dildo and a vibrator – sex toys!!
- Tightening and releasing different muscles than those of the pelvis were mentioned by some women: (The Survey list included tightened and released my pelvic muscles.) * I tighten my thigh muscles with my legs raised about a foot off the bed; * I tense all the muscles of the body; * I relaxed and tensed – both can work; * I tightened and released my leg muscles; * I tightened and released my buttocks; * I rock my pelvis.
- Breathing and relaxation techniques: * I position a pillow under my hips, use Tantric exercises, use rebirthing breathing; * I breathed deeply and meditated before sex; * I engaged in relaxing physical exercise, yoga or sometimes I’ve been physically challenged – e.g., by scuba diving, etc.; both relaxation and activities like scuba diving facilitate orgasm for me; * I relaxed beforehand; * I take a shower or bath alone first.
The Setting and Other Sensory Enhancements
The context in which a sexual episode occurs can facilitate arousal, pleasure, and orgasm. Some couples use music, special clothing, and other sensory enhancements, some have favorite settings; * We take the phone off the hook, have a glass of wine; * We smoked marijuana; * I ask my partner to wear specific items of clothing when coming to my house; * We use music, smells, etc; * We drink alcohol; * I wear lingerie and have my husband wear sexy male stuff; * Our mutual favorite is making love outdoors in the sunshine at a state park when we know we’ll not be discovered; * We use candles, music, massage each other; * We’ve gotten stoned.
Communication and Interaction with Your Partner
Women also can facilitate orgasm by communicating and interacting with their partners in a variety of ways.
- Some did this by asking or encouraging a partner to do what she needed: * I encouraged him to ask me to do what he needed also; * I told him at the beginning of our sexual life together; now he knows; * I demanded what I needed; * I guided my partner’s hand to where I’d like to be touched.
- Focusing attention on her partner was noted by other women as a way to facilitate or enhance their own orgasms: * I touch and caress my partner; * I stimulated my partner so that she could orgasm with me. Incredible!!; * I’ve done what my partner desired, requested, or enjoyed; * I focused on his impending orgasm; * I encouraged my partner with my hands; * I’d be submissive; * I encourage her to feel sexy; * I engage in eye contact often, but only to enhance the experience of orgasm, not to help me reach it; * I asked his desires; * I watched my partner’s response; * I teased my partner throughout with sexy talk; * I did things that were pleasurable to him; * I make my partner happy.
- Talking or making sounds during sexual activity was mentioned by women ranging in age from twenty to seventy: * I express my pleasure; * I say my partner’s name; * I say “I love you” over and over; * I yell out to express my pleasure.
- Talking about sensations or feelings of the moment was another orgasm facilitator: * I verbalize my sensations to my partner; * My partner talks to me about how he feels or what about my body is turning him on; * We are open about asking each other about our needs; * We talk about what we are feeling; * I ask my partner to share erotic fantasies about us while engaged in sex.
- Using talk to re-establish contact and build trust was also mentioned: * We talked before sex to build trust; * We had a long intimate talk (not fantasizing) before we began touching; * Foreplay included talking about how we care about each other; A woman who is in a long-distance relationship wrote: “We discuss how much time has gone by since we last engaged in intercourse together and discuss how enjoyable the experience is.” And some exchanges are nonverbal: * We always laugh!; * We made noises.
- Talking dirty is another variation: * My partner and I become very excited when we “talk dirty” to each other; * I talked dirty and had him talk dirty to me; * We talked “nasty”; * I like very specific “dirty” talk from my partner.
- Sharing images of erotica, pornography, and other arousal enhancers with a partner was mentioned by women of all ages: * I read other people’s fantasies with my partner; * We read from Playboy; * We watched naked bodies of women – erotic scenes; * We’ve used magazines, movies, masturbated, gone to new places; parked after years of marriage; * We watch sexy videos, drink, get high; * We role played; I caressed myself, masturbated in my partner’s presence; we ate foods before sex that we found enticing, watched porno, took pictures of each other, etc.
Clearly, women have many different ways of finding their way to orgasmic release. There is no one right way; there are a multitude of ways. What we see demonstrated here again is the uniqueness of each sexual self. What arouses one woman – for instance, imagining becoming pregnant or sharing fantasies – can turn another totally off.