1. You don’t get butterflies when he texts you. That mid-day “what are you up to?” you get at work should make your heart sing, or at least give you some kind of affectionate vagina-twinge.
2. You’re relieved when he cancels dates. Because when you’re honest with yourself you felt like staying in tonight and eating Wheat Thins with your cat.
3. Sex feels routine and one-sided. Generally you just kinda starfish until it’s over.
4. You’re willing to bail on dates if you’re tired or even don’t feel like it. As opposed to braving a headache or exhaustion because you’re dying to see the dude — because you know you’ve done that before.
5. You consistently suggest movie dates so that you don’t have to make conversation. OK so I planned it out so that we can go straight from the 9:10 p.m. showing of Frozen to the 11:40 showing of 12 Years A Slave. Shhhhh.
6. You don’t think ahead, e.g. “In the summer we can barbeque on my roof.” And when he says things like that, you either feel nothing or a little bit weirded out.
7. You don’t even consider showering or shaving beforehand. If he likes me he’ll put up with my stubble and greasy hair! (As opposed to doing the two-hour-long beautification routine before a date with someone you like a lot.)
8. You wear the same outfit you wore to work on a date. Plus your commuting sneakers.
7. You barely talk about him with your friends. Shrug.
8. When you do talk about him, it’s because they bring him up. “He’s fine.”
9. You don’t come during sex and don’t even bother telling him. You also don’t bother telling him that your clitoris is basically three states away from where he thinks it is.
10. One of the most important factors in your relationship is the fact that you were able to use his HBO GO password.You’re kinda having a relationship with him and, more importantly, Rust Cohle.
11. He introduces you to his friends with just your name; you introduce him to your friends as “my, um, friend [Name].”
12. He tells you he’s going away for the week and you get excited. You’re so glad to have your freedom back, albeit briefly.
13. You have been rehearsing your breakup speech. Not necessarily consciously, in a mirror, but definitely tallying up some reasons to end it.
14. You’re annoyed that you have to dumb things down for him. If you liked him, you’d think it was kind of cute.
15. You consistently need to generate chemistry by having a few drinks. Without them, it’s stilted and awkward.
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